You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
