Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I checked into jail on foursquare
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
