Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
