so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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