Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize