I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I want her autograph on my taint
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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