Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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