I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
