My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
