No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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