sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
