Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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