im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
