grandma shit on top of the toilet
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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