hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
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