Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It's just like the Real World with babies
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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