I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
