he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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