He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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