We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
