So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Vodka?
Forever.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
