remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
