Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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