If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
