yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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