I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
