just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
