Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
