sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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