I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She needs sedatives and a leash
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
