You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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