I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
