I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
