I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
