So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
