these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Did I show you my penis last night?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
