Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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