OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
