So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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