One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize