There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
