Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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