you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
