hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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