Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
