Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize