Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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