We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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