She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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