It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
