I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize