I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
