I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
