Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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