There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
