i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
