I looked at my own cervix.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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