i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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