someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
