the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
A+ Viking dick
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize