I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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